Edited to add: My now-born son is and was fine, thankfully.
Today is one year since my most recent horse accident, by far the worst of the ones I've had (including the one that left me with a permanent limp), on account of being pregnant at the time.
I've been trying to write this for a while. I thought it would help me to share what happened, but it turns out, all writing it out did was make me realize how much I'm not over it.
I still have a lot of unresolved emotions about the whole thing. I wanted to explain myself and the situation and finally try to work out why I'm still so upset but I think I can't for all the same reasons. No matter how many times I re-write it, I sound defensive, because I still carry incredible amounts of guilt. I will never let myself be okay with it. I think I need to not post those longer versions as much as I needed to write them to begin with.
So if you clicked over here from Twitter or somewhere else, I'm sorry this isn't juicy or long. Maybe someday I'll be brave enough to post a longer version. I just don't think that day is today.
If you're not too upset, feel free to send a hug or a kind word my way. You may not know exactly why, but I could use it.
Oh, L.T., I'm so sorry. As a self-critical mother who's always convinced that my children would be better off with another, better mother, I would feel horribly guilty, too. But as an objective bystander, I really think you've beaten yourself up enough. We all make mistakes, and it sounds like you've more than paid for this one. I hope you can find peace. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThank you, Krista. Your kids have a great, perfect mom. *hugs*
DeleteHugs from a stranger on the web. Your opossum story brought me here :) Motherhood changes you in many ways give yourself lots of time.
ReplyDeleteJenette, I meant to reply to this comment much sooner. Thank you so much. Your words mean a lot to me.
DeleteHaving just stumbled onto your blog and, after reading several entries, I came upon this one. You have touched me.
ReplyDeleteIn several of your posts, your compassion shows through, as well as your intelligence and strength. I am sending compassionate hugs to you, from one woman to another, as a small gesture to hopefully share with you some love and gratitude for this life we live, even with it's heartbreaks. The sweet and sour manage to accentuate each other, sometimes overwhelming us. Please know you are never alone in your journey. We are all children of the same universe and you are cradled in awe and wonder.