A Zookeeper's Guide to Rebuilding Jurassic World

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The disaster at Jurassic World this weekend left much of the zoological community in shock. The park will be closed for some time, according to initial reports of the damages and casualties, but in the likely event there is still demand for a new facility, I've compiled a small list of things the planners can hopefully do to increase survival rates.

Avoid bringing relatives to work

Family causes stress, which causes distraction, which causes inattention to detail, which leads to accidents.

Check GPS tags to verify animal locations BEFORE entering dangerous enclosures 

Thermal cameras and other technology can easily malfunction. Create escalation protocol and be prepared to follow through before sending staff into animal areas.

Don't keep corporate secrets that are vital to husbandry and enclosure maintenance 

A genetically-engineered animal may take on unexpected traits, but a thorough understanding of its genetic makeup will help prepare for most scenarios.

Ensure there is enough shelter for guests in the event of a catastrophic failure 

Know your facility's maximum attendance and be prepared to provide cover for that number of people. Guests should be aware of what constitutes shelter, and seek the first available location that removes them from danger.

Have failsafes for your failsafes 

What would you do if the electro-shock implants were removed from your animals? There should always be a backup plan, and in the case of genetically-engineered mega-predators, the backup plan should be nuclear.

Make sure all staff are properly trained on security protocol and know to double-check all latches and locks

A door or gate doesn't do much good if someone leaves it open.

Use positive reinforcement animal training programs to promote trust and foster positive relationships with staff

You never know when the bond you've forged with your animals will come in handy. It might even save lives.

Never feed collection animals live prey

Feeding live prey encourages hunting instincts to surface and gives animals a target to practice on. Especially when working with long-extinct reptilians, this can make their behavior unpredictable and increase the likelihood that their next target will be human.

Hiring former Marines and other ex-military personnel will give you a staff with built-in gumption and know how in a disaster 

It doesn't hurt if they're charismatic and good looking, either.

Make sure all potentially sleazy personnel have taken Monologuing 101

Any staff members who might actually be working against the restoration of order in a disaster should be dispatched immediately. They can be targeted by their use of monologues, which attracts predators.

And finally:

Never forget the other resources at your disposal

It might sound like fighting fire with fire, but sometimes the best solution for a predator problem is more predators.


I know the likelihood of anyone at Masarani or InGen seeing this advice is slim. But if they do, and it saves even one life, my work here is done.

Go here to support the disaster relief efforts for the Jurassic World survivors.

Jurassic World; or: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

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Yesterday, Husband and I left Infant with his grandparents and took off to see a movie in the theater for the first time since Guardians of the Galaxy last year. Fitting, since both movies had the same star. You'd think we were huge Chris Pratt fans, which we totally are, but that part was actually just pure coincidence. 

I'm certain I was That Guy(Girl) in the theater to the people around us. I spent the whole two hours gasping and laughing and fist-pumping and clapping. I know I married the right man because he was right there with me the whole time. 

You guys. I literally cannot remember the last time I was that into a movie. (Pirates of the Caribbean, maybe)? Suffice to say, it's been a WHILE. 

Jurassic World did not disappoint. I was so, so scared it would. 4th movies have a history of suffering, badly, and I was inwardly terrified I would walk out of the theater yesterday with a sick feeling in my gut from disappointment. 

Nope. I was grinning, like an idiot, for at least an hour. I haven't done that for a movie in a long time, either. 

All the shout-outs to zoo culture in general and at least one to my zoo in particular were hilarious, endearing, and surprising. 

Chris Pratt trains his velociraptors pretty much exactly the same way I train my horse, cues and all. Amazing. 

The nods to the previous Jurassic Park films were numerous and nostalgia-inducing. The opening for potential future films was subtle but clear. 

And the monsters. 

My beloved velociraptors: everything I wanted and more. A cameo from our good friend the T-Rex from the first movie. The mosasaur was pretty good, too, and quite the awesome nod to my marine park days. The pteranodons might've been the scariest ones in the movie, though. And the new dino, the Indominus Rex? Chilling. 

It was tense. It was funny. It was beautiful. I cried, several times. 

It had a few faults. But I loved it so much I'm overlooking them. 

It's pretty much a guarantee that we'll see it again, and it's also pretty much a guarantee that I will subsequently purchase any and all Jurassic World merchandise as it becomes available. I'm hooked, guys. I have a new favorite movie. Take my tiny contribution to your millions of dollars opening weekend and bleed me dry. 

I am yours, Jurassic World. 

Everything is Jurassic World, and Jurassic World is everything. 

Countdown to Jurassic World: JURASSIC WORLD!!!!

It's here! It's here! It's here!

I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!

No, really... I'm already feeling tense and ragey about the possibility of spoilers, so I'm leaving the internet til Saturday, when I have the chance to see the movie.

See, the thing is... Well. You remember the Indiana Jones movie that Doesn't Exist?

(I liked it, when I saw it in theaters).

(I liked it, until I started hearing other people talk about how much they didn't like it).

(I still haven't seen Age of Ultron because people keep saying they thought it was meh, and with Infant in the picture it's REALLY hard to see movies).

It turns out I'm a fairly impressionable person. I want to form my own opinion on Jurassic World, without any influence going in. I've been waiting for this movie for almost fifteen years. I'm prepared for it to suffer, but I really, really hope it's awesome.

And if it's awesome to me, but not everyone else, that's okay. I'll still like it.

If it's not awesome to me, that's okay, too. I just don't want anyone else's voice in my head when I see it.

So that, crazy kids, is why I'm sitting here with my hands over my ears going "LA LA LA LA LA LA NOT LISTENING LA LA LA LA LA LA LA" until Saturday.

(I hope it's awesome. I hope, I hope, I hope).

Countdown to Jurassic World: Jurassic Park III

I'll be honest, I barely remember this movie. I vaguely remember something about someone stealing velociraptor eggs, and a kid in an old ... plane? truck? train? thing. Pterodactyls. That awful Motorola ringtone. A dino I thought was an allosaurus for most of the movie.

I do remember that it didn't quite have the magic of the first two. I tend to forget it exists. JP 1 and 2 have both been huge influences on my life, but JP 3 was, well, forgettable. 

So this weekend should be interesting, because it will be almost like I'm seeing it for the first time!! I get to be wildly meh about it all over again!

The plan right now is to live-tweet JP 3 on Saturday, 6/6. I just don't know what time, as I'm on call for a late shift at work. If I get called in, it will be a weird time, like mid-day. If I don't, it will be another weird time, like mid-afternoon, because I need to write in the evening. 

All I want for Christmas in June is for Jurassic World to be unforgettable.